Black Folks and Therapy

11/16/09

You know, it breaks my heart to see my brothers and sisters suffering every day, bound by the demons of their mind. 

Unfortunately many Black churches see therapy as taboo....that "all we need is Jesus" and "that's enough for me" mentality. Well.....news flash people---God/Jesus uses therapy to help heal the wounded soul. 

Science has proven over and over again that all mental disorders can be traced to physiological imbalances, and the only way to "cure" this (with the exception of divine intervention) is the proper medication and yes, sometimes therapy. 

Our churches can't continue to call everything a demon, or a spirit.....and make others feel bad for wanting to get help. That's so unfair to the person that needs it. 

So...attention all churches: please stop telling people that they don't need therapy and/or medication. By doing this, you are preventing someone from being free, happy and at peace--in their mind, body and soul. Freedom is what God wants for ALL His children, so who are you to stand in the way of its manifestation? Peace.

Stop Blaming the Devil

11/26/09

If you got diabetes because you're overweight, have poor eating habits and don't exercise, stop blaming the devil.

• Take the time to educate yourself about proper diet and physical activity.

If you buy a car knowing your can't afford the car payments, and the car is repossessed, stop blaming the devil.

• Look at your budget and determine what car payment you can afford and still be able to pay your other bills.

If your lights are turned off, but you gave your offering and paid towards the building fun, stop blaming the devil. (And stop writing "faith checks"....grrrrr....)

• IF you are a tither, okay cool. Won't touch that one. But an offering doesn't have to be monetary. It can be your time, your gifts and talents, etc. The building fund MAY have to wait. It's hard to witness to others when you bring them to your home and have to light candles.

If you're mean, moody, dishonest and stingy....and have no friends....don't blame the devil.

• Do a little self-reflection and determine which characteristics you possess that may be repelling others, and work on making changes to your life, which will also glorify God.

We blame the devil for SO MANY things that God has given us control/authority over. I'm speaking to myself as well.

We have to learn to minister to ourselves--spiritually (no matter your religion), emotionally, physically and financially. When our lives get out of balance, it opens the door for negative events to occur.

Unfortunate things are bound to happen from time to time; things that are beyond our control, but I truly believe that many negative things we experience are preventable.

We have to take control of our lives (under the direction of the Creator of course) and stop sitting back waiting for God to do it all, when He has given us the authority to do things for ourselves. Then when something doesn't happen, what do we do? That's right--blame the devil.

1.       The devil didn't cause your check to bounce, when you knew you didn't have the money in your account in the first place.

2.       The devil didn't cause your lights to get turned off, when you used your light bill money for something that may not have been a necessary expense (like a new outfit for the next conference).

3.       The devil didn't cause your stomach to hurt after you ate more than you should have.

4.       The devil didn't cause you to have to have foot surgery when you wore shoes that were too small for you.

5.       The devil didn't cause you to fail out of school when you didn't take the time to study like you should have.

6.       The devil didn't cause your children to cuss at school, when they hear you cussing at home.

7.       The devil didn't cause you to cuss out your co-worker; your lack of self-discipline and anger management did.

I just want my people to realize that many things are blamed on the devil, when they are, in fact, due to decisions we have or have not made in our lives. This applies to me too. We can grow together.

Sometimes I think "the devil" just "sits back" and takes several vacations a year. Since we blame so much stuff on him, he really doesn't have to do much.

Let's help one another. Let's empower each other. Let's stop allowing ourselves to shift the blame on evil spirits, the devil and others, and take responsibility for our actions by making the necessary changes in our lives.

Peace.

Tithers in the Black Church

11/18/2009

I feel so much more freedom in my own blog to write about things that may offend some of my friends on Facebook. Yeah....loving that. 

Let me preface this by saying that I would never stereotype and put all of ANYTHING in the same category, but this has just been my observation. I've been a part of the Black church my entire life and there's one thing that I've noticed that really bothers me. 

We are taught to pay our tithes, no matter what. Before you pay your rent, your light bill, your car payment, your car insurance, etc. So then people come to church and praise God that even though their lights have been turned off, they've still got Jesus. I used to praise and shout to God with them.

But as I got older, I realized--where's the testimony in that? Where is the witness in saying that you're a saint of the Most High, but you're living in darkness (literally and figuratively speaking)? 

As I began to look further into it, I saw that many of people I grew up knowing, that had been tithers all of their lives were still living paycheck to paycheck, still having their phones turned off, still having their cars repossessed, etc., but still praising God because they paid their tithes. Am I the only one that sees that something is wrong with this picture?

When I think about those that tithed in Biblical times, they were prosperous, fruitful. In many of our churches, that's not the case. 

I remember one year I ended up owing the IRS some money because I had underpaid my federal taxes, so I called to make payment arrangements with them. As we went through my financial status and I shared with the representative my monthly expenses, we got to "charitable donations" section. He asked me how much I gave monthly, and at that time it was close to $400 a month to my church (you know--tithes, offering, building fund, etc.). The man actually laughed in the phone and said "ma'am, you can't afford to give that much to your church." So of course he wouldn't agree to the monthly payment I was asking for. In my deepness I told him "sir, you can't tell me what I can and cannot not afford to give". He chuckled again. 

When I got off the phone, I was so angry. In my mind, those traditional words came back to me that I had heard in the church for years: "some people will tell you, you can't afford to tithe; you look back at them and tell them you can't afford NOT to". 

But somewhere, somebody is missing something. If you've been tithing for 20+ years, and you're still struggling financially, something isn't right. I don't have the answers, nor am I trying to find them. I just know that there is definitely an imbalance to this principle.

I want my life to be a light, a living testimony to others of the benefits of making God first and foremost in your life. That's my focus. My focus is living a good life, blessing others as much as possible, doing all that I do in excellence and integrity, managing my finances to the best of my ability, sharing God's love with others and encouraging those that are feeling down. I believe God is pleased with this.

Am I a consistent tither? No? Do I commit my finances, my time and my gifts to others? All the time. Do I think I'm cursed? No. Do I think God is pleased? I would hope so. To me, I have found the balance, but it's up to each one of us to find it in our own lives. 

Homosexuality and Spirituality-Part II

12/28/09

Also, people refer to Sodom and Gomorrah all the time as the basis of condemning homosexuality, but if anyone would study this closely, they will see the true sin was an absence of hospitality. No one talks about the fact that Lot was willing to allow his daughters to be raped by the men outside the door. People say the sin was homosexuality, but these mean were not honoring the rules and laws of hospitality for that period in time. A stranger had to be accepted into one's home if they came to your doorstep seeking shelter. These men were trying to dishonor that law. And they weren't gay, they were sexual abusers, which (if you also read) was a form of humiliation during this time. Soldiers of war would sodomize their opponents as an act of power, but they were not gay--it was part of warfare. 


Even Jesus said (and I'm paraphrasing) if they don't receive you into their home, shake the dust off.....and they will receive a greater punishment than S and G, which again refers to a lack of hospitality, not homosexuality.


No one in my community wants to be rejected by family, friends, coworkers. No one wants to be bullied and tortured and ridiculed and killed, but it comes a time in each person's life they they either accept or reject who they area. Many of us have decided to accept it, regardless the price.

People in the church, esp. the Black Church have no idea what it does to my community when we are told that we have a spirit of perversion. I have met some of the most awesome God-loving people in the LGBT community and they are not perverted. 

So this mentality causes many of us to lie about our sexuality so we can continue to be accepted in our churches. All of this causes self-hatred, depression, etc. 

There have been so many losses, so many tragedies in the LGBT community because of the homophobic and ignorant views of the church, especially the Black church.

When people make the comment "we've all sinned and homosexuality is not a greater sin", it communicates to all LGBT people that their entire life is a sin. That they are looked at as a pervert, someone nasty, someone who shouldn't be working in ministry, or even "they shouldn't be working around children b/c that spirit might get on the children...." What bullshit. Check the stats---child abuse (sexual and physical) is more predominate by heterosexuals, NOT homosexuals.


Churches, governments, etc. are now being more open and accepting of the LGBT community. Churches are doing research on the references in the Bibles supposedly condemning homosexuality and realizing it wasn't what they've been taught their whole lives. More research has shown that many in the LGBT community have a different physiological make-up than those in the heterosexual community, which is why homosexuality can no longer be treated as a mental health disorder the the mental health field.

Can someone be cured or "healed" from homosexuality. Of course not. That's like being healed from being Black. It's who you ARE, not what you HAVE. 


Some people have decided that deny their sexuality and even bash others for living a life of freedom. Donnie McClurkin is a prime example, as he now refers to gays as vampires, even though he has had a lifetime struggle with homosexuality himself. Bless his heart--he will have to live with that.  

So here is my extended answers to your question. Love ya.

Homosexuality and Spirituality

12/13/09

Someone sent me a message through FB and asked me the following questions:
(Note: grammatical errors have been corrected from original message)

*Do you not think of homosexuality as a sin? 
*Why or why not and if so what do you think justifies it or makes it alright with God?

I wanted to share my response to her. By the way, she was in no way judging me; she truly wanted understanding, which I appreciate.

My response:

_________, I'm trying to think of a way to answer this without it becoming a book. The journey has been long....and painful.....and I will probably write about it one day. It's hard for me to answer your first question, b/c I don't think any one of us will really know until God audibly tells us.

What HAS transitioned in my way of thinking, however, is taking every word of the bible literally. People in church say they do all the time--but they don't. If they did, most of us would have one eye (an eye for an eye); one hand (cut it off if they steal), etc., etc. Times change, people change. I believe much of the bible was written for that particular era. Much of it doesn't apply today (slavey being a prime example). The commandment I have chosen to follow are the Ten Commandments and the two commandments that Jesus gave. I believe I live my life by these.

If everyone followed every rule and doctrine in the Bible, they wouldn't eat pork, wear two kinds of materials in their clothing, and so many other things that were considered an abomination during that time. Whenever I bring that up, I never get a response from people that condemn homosexuality---that they do things that are also listed as abominations several scriptures above and below the one mentioned on homosexuality.

________, all I know is that I've been attracted to girls since I was little, but I was taught that it was nasty, gross, perverted to be that way; which in turn created self-hatred. I mean if you think about it---what person WANTS to be ridiculded, rejected, beat up, hurt, etc. by those that are closest to them. That's why suicide is so high in the LGBT community -- b/c people would rather die than continue to live a lie as a heterosexual. I've gone to pastors with my struggle. I have been prayed for, anointed, demons cast out, etc., but the feeling never left me, which made me feel even worse.

I didn't MAKE myself attracted to women. I just was. I tried many heterosexual relationships; was even engaged twice, but they never worked, b/c it wasn't what I wanted. I dated men to please others, to gain my family's acceptance, but I was so unhappy, some times I couldn't breathe.

I suffered from major depression most of my teenage and young adult life....and one of the reasons was because I felt trapped...forced to be something I wasn't. When I made the decision to come out this year, I had reached a point of desperation. I was 41 years old and I had lived most of my life as a lie. My closest friends knew that I was gay, but that was it. I knew how the church and the Winston-Salem area felt about homosexuals, but I couldn't stay quiet anymore.

One day I just sent a text to my family and friends and even some coworkers and told him I was gay. Some totally cut me off, condemned me to hell, etc. But _______, the freedom I felt...I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Then something wonderful started happening. In Winston, I felt so alone, b/c many in the African-American community are 100% underground with their sexuality. You would be VERY surprised as to who's gay in this area. :) But I didn't come out to go underground, but I actually felt very alone, like I had no support system. I don't know if you remember _______from ___________but she and I connected on FB about a year ago, and she told me that she was gay, and she and her partner had adopted two little boys. I hadn't come out yet. Then when we added each other as friends on FB, I would look at her pictures and see how happy she was, something I had never seen with her.

I started looking at how big the LGBT community was in the ATL area and I started friending people from her page. _______, I connected with some of the most awesome people in my community. Many people may disagree, but I know that these were divine connections b/c God knew I needed to be embraced during this transition.

I went to the Audre Lorde Leadership Institute in July, not knowing ANYONE--I was invited by someone I met on FB and it was one of the best decisions I could have ever made. When I would go to the seminars, I was overwhelmed by being in a room with some of the most awesome Black and White lesbians from all over the country--that weren't ashamed of who they were; that had stories similar to mine, but were living their lives. Many were married, had children; some were in politics, the medical field, the ministry, etc. Mary Anne Adams, the person I originally connected with, actually has an award named after her. It was the first time I had been around lesbian sisters that were affluent....and before I left for NC, something came alive in me.

I went back for Black Gay pride (again by myself) and became even more empowered, especially after hearing Bishop Yvette Flunder and talking to her. I realized that it was time for me to accept who I was and realize that God loves me and accepts me.....AS A HOMOSEXUAL.

Some of the gay Christians I have met are some of the most amazing people. THEN, I met my sweetie.....Cynthia. It was like as soon as I made the decision to come out, everything started unfolding for me. My life started coming together. Cynthia has been a God-send. I feel as though she was made for me, and she feels the same way. Our journeys are similar and I've never been happier.

There are so many people in our churches that are struggling with their homosexuality and spirituality. I know of one young man that later confessed he was ready to kill himself because of it, but he is learning self-acceptance. Look how the church world has crucified Tonex since he came out. I love him for his boldness. He knew the price he would pay, but sometimes you have to pay it to be free. So, all I know is, I love God with all my heart. He is the center of my life. I follow HIS commandments and the commandments of love from Jesus. The bible is a wonderful guide and MUCH of it is divinely inspired, but many of the laws and doctrines today's church lives by were man made from the Levitical era.

So I have chosen to live my life as an open, African-American lesbian, who is a believer but not a "traditional" Christian. I following the teachings of God and of Christ, and I pray that God is pleased with my life and I will be welcomed with open arms in eternity.

I also failed to mention that so much scientific research has been done with homosexuals, _________, especially those in the transgender community, and it shows that may in the LGBT community have a higher level of testerone for women and estrogen for men. That's not something we as human beings can control, but we are condemned for it.

So, I hope this has answered your question. I have, in no way, been offended. 

To the Love of My Life--Ms. Cynthia L. Ryals

03/10/12

Thoughts of Love and Beauty

02/25/12-02/26/12

Waterfalls, windows, birds singing.

Love is in the air.

Follow your heart; learn to love.

Come by here and let me love you there.

"There" being your heart.

Embrace me even with the fear of being hurt.

Hug me until your arms are exhausted.

Trust me to be faithful and true.

Protecting your heart as I would my own.

Wanting to shield you from all the pain in the world.

Kissing the rainbow in your tears.

Embracing all that is you.

Loving your flaws, laughing at your corny jokes as you do mine.

Sharing our secrets and holding each other through the tears.

Holding hands just because....the earth is beautiful.

Your smile melts my heart and holds me close.

Time stands still so we can stay together forever.....loving...laughing

I will cook for you. I will give up Pepsi for you.

You are my world....you make the world more beautiful for me.

YOU ARE  beautiful--inside and out--all parts of you.

You hair, your smile, your hands, your toes, your skin, your eyes.....

Tomorrow isn't here yet so I'm seizing the freak out of today.

The thoughts of you have worn me out like we just made love.

Exhausted, smiling, holding you now. I will never know what it's like to be without you.

12/14/13:
Note: Even though Cyndi and I aren't together anymore, we are the best of friends and I will always love her. 

Not the Day To Say Stupid Shyt To Me Like....... by Geigh

10/02/10

Please don't let me hear no stupid shyt about these teens committing suicide because they had homosexual spirits, they were gay, etc. I'm so effin serious.  No, they committed suicide because of the hatred and homophobia that's encouraged in our society, especially in the church.  You teach that homosexuality=perversion. "Faggot", "dyke", "sissy", are used as terms of insult.  We have "churches" called God Hates Fags.  Then we wonder why our children give in to the pressures of being bullied. 

The church has services to cast out homosexual demons, ban gays from working in ministry, won't let us around your children, tell your children not to hang around us so that "spirit won't transfer". 

Then when one of our babies take their lives when they feel as though they can't take it anymore....you blame the freakin' devil???!?!??! You're right....but THE DEVIL IS IN YOU!

Why Am I Here?

03/10/12

My Shihan posed this question to me: "Geigh, why are you here?".  I thought about this question for a few minutes, and decided just to write whatever came to my mind.  So....here we go:

I am here to make the world more beautiful--to make God smile.

I am here to hold the little boy, the little girl...with blood-stained underwear--hold them 'til they don't hurt anymore.  

I am here to travel abroad--to feed the babies and show them God's love.

I am here to sing to the trees and see my reflection in the water.

I am here to love hard....and unconditionally.

I am here to make love, to give love, to receive love.

I am here to be a daughter, sister, auntie, partner, student, worker, Godmother and friend.

I am here to spread joy, to educate, to protect, to advocate, to fight, to win, to overcome.  

To wipe the tears of those that are hurting; to actually kiss the tears away.

I am here to clean off the semen, the blood, the urine and help the babies feel new again.

I am here to tell them that it's not their fault and their innocence is still there (you can still play on the merry-go-round in the park).  

I am here to hug and kiss the pain away.

I am here to protect God's furry creatures--they are life. 

I am here to hold hands and walk down the street in the park......at the beach.

I am here to write, to see, to learn, to breathe, to smile, to soar, to overcome. 

I am here to die empty because I gave my all.  

Ashe' and amen. 

Namaste'

The Bible/Oppression/The Gay Community/Randon Thoughts/Encouragement

02/01/11

The Bible has been used to justify the oppression of particular populations from the beginning of time. It's been used to justify:

• slavery
• child abuse
• the oppression of women
• the condemnation of the queer community

Slave owners didn't think they were doing anything wrong because slavery was allowed in Biblical times. Of course that's not accepted in our society today.

Men have suppressed women as it relates to opportunities in the workforce, voting rights, and other equal opportunities.  This was also allowed in Biblical times. Of course, that's not accepted in our society today either.

As time progresses, people are more willing to accept that fact that things that were written in the Old Testament and some even in the NEW are no longer relative in today's society; however, homosexuality is something that many Christians and other religions refuse to include in this transition. 

People use the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, which biblical scholars have proven foryears did not have anything to do with homosexuality.  People use the Levitical teachings on homosexuality, but the scriptures they find below and above that deal with eating pork, wearing different materials, planting different fruit beside of each other (all listed as abominations mind you) they disregard. 

There are people in my LGBT community that are bound, depressed, suicidal, rejected, abandoned, condemned...all for trying to live a life of truth versus a lie to please others.  They're damned if they do, and damned if they don't.  Choice 1: be free and lose everyone 2: live a lie and be miserable forever. 

Many won't step foot inside of a church because of the way they're treated by "so-called saints" (sometimes the same "saints" they see in the gay clubs on Saturday night). 

Gay men and women are being slaughtered in Uganda.  Women are subjected to "corrective rape" in Africa and Jamaica.  Kids are bullied, beaten and driven to suicide right here in America.  Churches tell us we're all going to hell......sometimes I just have no words for everything that I've seen those in my community experience (myself included). 

So to all my LGBTQQIP family..I love you.  Keep your head up. God loves AND accepts you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.  We are to love our Creator and love and help others.  It's that simple.  Christianity and other religions  have made our relationship with God so complex, which is why many get discouraged and turn away from God altogether. 

That's why I believe before Jesus died he left us with TWO commandments--love God/love others. He wanted to destroy all the other laws and bondage that had been placed over the people.  If you're a same gender-loving person, don't be ashamed of that.  You can be gayand serve God. 

It was just on my heart to encourage you tonight and hopefully open the eyes of those that condemn us every day.  Believe what you want to believe, but do NOT judge us, for by that same measure YOU will be judged.

Geighsha

I Forgot

11/30/13

I forgot I was bipolar.  I forgot to take better care of myself.  I forgot that I can't work long days, bring work home, eat like crap, get little sleep and start over again.

Soooo, what happened? Well.....work was crazy busy---was extending job offers back to back.  Felt good--I mean...people need jobs, right?  

But I forgot--forgot I was human. I forgot I was bipolar.  I forgot I wasn't invincible.  So what happened?  Mania kicked my ass, and took over my body.  I was a walking, non-stop machine--wired-no food, no pee-pee breaks, no sleep.  Mania. Mania. Mania-"an exceptional enthusiasm"--to say the least.

The good news? I was able to get all my offers done.  The bad news? I crashed---horribly. Terribly, horribly.  I woke up--couldn't move.  Darkness, silence--but tormenting voices at the same time.  Screaming in my ears--calling me names. The loneliness--OMG.......no one understands. No one.  Your friends try.  They really do, but they can't.  You want to be consoled, but you don't want to be touched, so your friends are confused as hell.  They don't know what to do, what to say.  They say I look like a mannequin, a statue.  Who cares? Does anybody care? Do you care that I'm curled up on the couch in a fetal position?  Do you care that I long to sleep for days even though I know I'll have nightmares.  Of course you care, you're my friend.  You just don't know what to do.

You miss work.  You miss commitments.  You feel ashamed--ashamed and angry that you can't overcome the darkness and get your ass back to work.  But you can't.  You spread your work around you at home to get it done, and almost have a nervous breakdown, so you immediately put it all away.

You don't know how long it will last.  You just have to deal with it--but deal with it you can't. Those that don't know better ask "what's wrong?" or "how does it feel?" Please never ask a bipolar person that during an episode.  Wait til after it's over, so you won't cause yourself bodily harm.  

And for GOD'S sake, don't tell us to try to shake ourselves out of it, or that it's the devil.  I may physically hurt you if you do.  I indemnify myself as I type this.  

No matter how much rest you get, it's never enough.  You get even more depressed when you finally DO have to get out of the bed.  And you do whatever has to absolutely be done, so you can crawl back in as soon as possible.

I guess I should be thankful.  Before medication, these episodes happened almost every week.  Now, maybe a few times a year.  But when they come---damn.  If I had enemies, I wouldn't wish this on any of them.  

So then it passes, and you start to pick up the pieces again---trying desperately to get back to life as normal.  Now you have to catch up at work--thank everyone for covering for you in your absence, and deal with the anger you have towards yourself.

You wonder--couldn't I have better controlled this episode? Was it real? Did I fake it? Did it last longer than it had to? Was I mean to anyone? Do I need to apologize to anyone? Am I really bipolar? Is it all in my mind? Is bipolar disorder really real?  You're days behind on washing dishes, washing clothes, cleaning your place, playing with your dog, talking to you family.  So you're trying to catch up on all that.  What's the catch??? You can't do it all at one time. Why? Because you'll go back into MANIA--and start the vicious cycle all over again.

So you have to pace yourself, even though everything in you wants to go full speed ahead. But you can't.  That drives you crazy in itself.  So you force yourself to slow down.  In the back of your mind, your fear another episode, knowing that you can't control when or if it comes.  You start to fear whether or not a day will come when then medicine no longer works.  Then what?  It is my biggest fear in life.  

I'm very open about my mental illness, because it's just that--an illness.  I didn't bring it on myself.  It's a brain disorder, typically triggered by trauma.  For years, I tried to fight my demons alone. I lived on the altar praying for deliverance.  I told leaders in the church I needed help; only to be told I needed to pray more, fast more, live better, stay holy, read my Word, listen to praise and worship music, etc.  I did all that, and I still was dying daily.  

I look for the day when mental illness is no longer a taboo in the church, especially the Black church and that my people will feel free to get the help they need without fear of judgement, condemnation, excommunication or even laughter. 

If it wasn't for medication and temporary therapy, there is no doubt in my mind, that I would not be here today.  I know that.  So I will shout it on the mountaintop wherever I go that God uses medicine.  Medicine allows me to function on a daily basis, and I'm forever grateful.  

The episodes leave you so exhausted--that even when you start to feel a little like yourself--you're so emotionally and physically drained, you still just want to sleep as much as you can. But you have to push yourself--just a little--to try to get back on track.  And in time, you'll start feeling like yourself more and more.

Some people will understand.  Some won't.  Some will avoid, some will embrace.  Some will think it's fake. Some will know it's real.  Some will stick it out with you.  Some will not want to deal with it.  You have to accept their decisions and focus on your healing.  Others can't be your concern when you're fighting for your life.  All your energy has to shift to your healing.  Is that selfish? Hell yes.  And?

Well, that's all I have for now.  So many have sent me messages of love and encouragement. I couldn't always respond.  Whenever I'm having my "Days of Fuckery" as I come to call my episodes (the term just seems so befitting), I don't always feel like talking.  Very seldom do I actually.  My closest friends know to just say "I'm here if you need me".  That's all I need. Maybe a hug or two--but not always.  

This is my life as a bipolar person.  Fun, right?  Well, it could be worse.  I can still function.  I have a job, a great family, priceless friends, etc. I know some people that are bipolar that aren't able to work at all. So I still count my blessings. 

If you ever want to ask me questions, feel free to post them here and I will respond or you can email me directly at geighjackson@yahoo.com.  

Namaste and love people.  Namaste and love.